<sigh>

Quick Random Note: I have a sudden burning need to see the movie The Matrix. Right now. That movie rocks.

So I was talking with my Dad and Brad on the way to Chili's to eat dinner w/ them, along with some other Traxit people, namely John Gerun and Mingtai Chang. Anyhow, regardless of dinner, in this conversation, we were talking about my plans for next year, and how in spite of all my depressing writing, I'm in something to which they referred to as the "catbird seat" or something like that. Apparently that's supposed to mean I am basically in a position in my life that I am very unlikely to see again anytime soon, if ever. At this time in my life, I've got nearly all options open to me and very little actual responsibility.

I mean, they're right. I could sit around, and let life happen, spend another year in high school, probably wondering about things that might have been had I not sat on my ass and let life pass me by, or I could get up and do something, anything. It's still a possibility that I could spend the next school year in Shanghai. I could spend the next year working, or traveling, or taking college courses, or doing any number of some combination of things. I could work and take classes, I could travel and work. It all hinges on whether or not I want to. So I am presented with a dillemma. What do I want to do?

Consider, if you were a Junior in high school, able to drive in a few weeks, the option of graduating high school over the summer not out of reach by any means, even the possibility of having the choice to spend a year working in Shanghai, or maybe just taking courses from continuing education department of a local college, which there are plenty around, what would you want to do next year? The options are all there, and time is running short before some of them start closing.

It's an interesting predicament. I don't know a whole lot of people with the same number of options, and I almost feel bad because I'm so unsure of what I want to do, and to think that I might let a choice that somebody else never had go to waste. I feel almost selfish writing this... but I can't explain why.

hello, blog, writing, introspection, my thoughts, others reading, not responding, psychoanalsys, people listening have little to say, not a fair comparison, future, colleges, friends going places, stifled by high school, discussion/yelling arguments, people who won't acknowledge when they're wrong, Tyo, is was argument, english class, Tim vs. Tyo, Cornell Summer program, yet another screw up, too late for there, other summer programs, Hawaii, Berkeley, Harvard, UML, guidance, people who act like they care but don't, people who I misinterpret because of my distrust and timidity, everybody else, this blog having the general state of being depressed, certain posts referred to as "suicide posts", journalism class, suicide in high school, wasted potential, what my life could be through inaction, the option born out of lethargy, the option leading ot a state of misery, dismally centered thoughts, depression, diagnosable?, medication, treatment, better living through pills, thing I want never to do, fear of response, hatred of pity, wishing for pity, inadequacy, failure.

My thoughts tend to follow a very... depressed line of thinking. But these things happen, and I'm sure that I shouldn't spend so much time worrying about whether or not I'm of sound mental health, well, I'm not sure, but I find that the more I think about it, the more I wish I hadn't. I've got more immediate concerns, like, not failing the Economics quiz tomorrow. Sure, this particular thing lacks scope, in that the likely importance of this quiz to me and my ultimate level of happiness is probably pretty low, however immediate things like maintaining a much needed GPA, among other things, take higher priority for me, althought they really probably shouldn't.