Well, in light of the flood of response I've gotten these last few days, I've thought a little more and am definitely in a new position in terms of my perspective on my life. I mean, out of the people I've talked to, a few of them share the same thoughts about a sense of detatchment from the year, or a sense of not having anything that sets them apart from the masses and the like, and it's occurred to me that although the severity of my reaction to these thoughts may differ, it's not something that I alone experience. It's funny, all the people who share a lot of my sentiments on these matters are people who I'd have never thought to. People who are quite smart and capable, yet the dilemma of wondering what exactly they're doing with their life presents itself to them just the same as to undoubtedly many more.

I'm having a little trouble articulating all this, I'm not sure how I want to say it. I guess it's just reassuring that I'm not the only person in this situation, and furthermore, that regardless of how I see myself, there are a lot of people who see me much better, and they've probably got a better perspective.

What do you get when you combine stick figure animation, and video-game kung fu? You get a damn entertaining animation. Check it out!

"no, no no no! don't find something. appreciate the overall. it's like a pointillist painting. you can't look at it up close, it looks worthless. but if you go further out, you see the whole thing. you're more than the sum of your parts. just try to have more fun and worry less about stock market games and science fairs and such. none of it will matter in ten years. what will matter is your personality, which i think is just fine."
This was a comment left in reply to the mono/dia-logue I wrote with myself

Yes, and no. The point about looking at the whole is a very good point, and I hadn't really considered it like that. I like that view a lot better. However, as little as science fairs and stock games matter, I still can't really afford to throw away my so-called potential because I still need to worry about where I do want to end up in 20 years. I'm not too worried about my personality I guess, I'm just too concerned with positioning myself financially, socially, whatever to be somewhere where I'll be content living my life. I'm not really sure what I'm saying... I wrote this last night, but I waited to post it until this morning, because I wanted it to have it's own box.

It should be noted that in the dia/mono-logue here, it's all me talking to me, about me. That makes no sense, and I really probably am insane.

What the hell is wrong with you?
I – I don’t know.
Sure you do, you know exactly what’s wrong with you. You’re a recluse, and it’s finally catching up with you.
What are you talking about, I’ve got plenty of friends, I’m not a recluse.
Yes you are! Sure, you’ve got friends, but just like everybody else, you’ve kept them distanced. Ever think about how much you’ve really got to say about yourself?
I say… I say stuff. I’m sure I have.
Yeah, but usually it’s energetic denial of something, because you need to keep who you are hidden. You’ve got a think fucking shell of isolation around you. You’ve kept to yourself for years and years. You have no confidant.
So what? I don’t need one, I can deal with my own problems, why should I dump it on somebody else?
Because, you need to talk to other people, I mean holy shit, look at you. You’re writing a pseudo-dialog with yourself to try to clarify your thoughts. this is not normal. You need to do something about this, you’re, like, setting yourself up to split your mind in half, simply because you need somebody to confide in, and you’re some damn paranoid about telling somebody else, you’ve gotten to the point where you’ve very nearly completely believed that who better to confide in, than somebody else in the same mind. Well, here’s news for you, that’s pretty fucked up man.
Yeah, I know that, I’m sitting here typing, and I know that I really shouldn’t be, but… but I don’t know. I never know anything. I mean, I haven’t done just about anything right in the last 3 years of my life. It’s debatably been 4 years since I was making good decisions.
Well, yeah, since 8th grade, you’ve been doing next to nothing that’s really had any substantial positive impact on your life, really, you’ve been riding the wave of stuff since 7tb grade. Sure, there’s crap like the science fair, but have you ever truly been motivated by yourself?
Of course I have, why else would I spend so much time doing those bullshit projects?
Because you think it’s what’s expected of you.
Yeah, but in the absence of expectations, I don’t know what to do. When I’m not doing something I was told to do, I’m always questioning myself, so much so that all to often I do nothing at all. Hold on a second, I’m going to take a break to finish my paper, and do some “chatting.”

---

You just did it again. Somebody offers you an opportunity to get outside advice, and what do you do, you sit there and shut yourself into a hole. Gads, you’ve got a serious problem, do you know that?
Shut up.

---

Seriously, what’s unique about me? What’s so damn amazing?
Well, let’s see, you took the AP Calc exam in 10th grade, you were fifteen years old, you’ve gone to the state science fair two years in a row, you’ve got good performances at WoCoMaL and Elizabeth Haskins math meets, you know some Java, you’re computer competent unlike most of the people around you, I mean, don’t deny it, you’re a smart kid.
Yeah, whoop dee shit. What have I got to show for it. I have nothing, I mean really nothing tangible that I can look at or do that I can be like, “wow, I can do that, and either I’m the only one who can, or I’m the best at it.” I have nothing like that.
Well, find something.
But I can’t, because I don’t know what I like. And I don’t know what I like because I’m too cowardly to try anything.
Seriously, do you think you’d be happier living in a sealed bubble, without contact with the world except through electronic, non-visual means for the rest of your life?
No, I don’t, because I think I’d go crazy, however at the moment, that’s kind of what’s happening to me.
Hey man, you need to get to sleep, so you should probably stop this.
Agreed. Maybe I’ll write something else later, but in the future, I’m going to stick with self pitying monologues instead of trying to create a separate character of myself to criticize me.

Another way to look at this is this. My dad appears to think I'm on a direct course to total life failure, throwing out all options leading to happiness or other forms of success. In expressing this concern, it was made glaringly obvious to me that I'm doing a pretty shitty job of managing my life. Ergo, my being bitter and unhappy all the time. It should also be noted that this is almost definitely not how it actually happened, just my warped view of it.

I've been thinking, what am I doing? Why exactly is it that I seem to myself and most people around me so chronically unhappy? Should I be concerned? I mean, look at me, I'm not exactly the epitome of happy. All I ever do is complain, or worry, or both. During school, I gripe about how much I don't want to be there. I have very few, if truly any, people I can truly tell myself that I trust. I'm distanced from everybody I know, my friends, my family, everbody. At the same time, I'm worried about the future, worried that I'm fucking up my life already, and I'm too paralyzed with fear to try and change things. Of course, I can't truly express what I'm trying to say here, because I'm worried that the wrong person will read it.

I was talking with my dad earlier today. The conversation started out with him expressing concern about a number of things. He was worried that I wasn't getting my applications and registrations or a bunch of things done on time, as well as whether I was getting my stuff done for Dual Enrollment next year (so I can take college courses for high school credit because I'm beyond what my high school has to offer), and the other main thing was that I wasn't really socially enjoying my life. All of these are valid concerns. There was some other discussion about SAT II's and the like, but not much.

So anyway, we're talking about this stuff, and a number of immediate issues come up. One of these was the fact that I really am pretty socially isolated from my peers. I mean, sure I've got some friends, but I spend a whole lot of time sitting around alone, but that's not too big of a deal, I'm content with that regard, however out of this conversation came the issue of the fact that I really trust nobody to the point where I'm willing to confess what's bugging me or anything like that. Not my parents, not my siblings, not my friends. It's actually kind of strange, that in the past I've confessed a lot more to total strangers via AIM than I have to the people who I see every day. I guess it's kind of because I think that if I put my concerns on to somebody else, they'll suddenly think worse of me, and I'll have regretted it. That doesn't even really make sense, but I can not force myself to really speak openly to anybody. Such an extreme level of keeping to myself is undoubtedly unhealthy, and I'm sure that I really am not capable of resolving everything by myself.

Moving on, I can't really figure out what I want to do. I have a pretty large number of options for next year, however I can't decided what I want to do, or how much work I'm willing to do to get what I don't really know what I want, and because of that, I'm on a direct course for losing all options through inaction. I need to do something, but I don't know what, and because I'm unwilling to take the risk to find out, I will end up doing something I may not want to.

I took a break from writing, and can't really remember what I was going to say anymore. The point here is simple: I have no idea what i'm doing with my life, I'm probably deficient in the department of social life, I'm too afraid of making a wrong decision to make any decisions at all. Ack.