Why exactly is it that every weekend, I never seem to have anything to do? Well, the answer is because I am a massive loser. I mean sheesh, how does one manage to remain so incredibly alienated from his peers for so long? It takes a pretty thick shell of isolation to pull off that feat. I'm just distraught at how not-socially inclined I am, at school, for example. I mean, it just doesn't seem right that in what people keep telling me is the best time of my life, I'm sitting around apathetic, bored and alone on Saturday night. Woo...

I gotta stop being on AIM so much. I usually leave it on with an away message so that I can get messages from people and what not, however man oh man today was different. Ok, so somebody asks me this question, and so I come back from being "away" to answer, and quickly ask a question of my own to somebody else, but the instant I come back, this surge of messages comes in, from like 6 different people, and I get into these drawn out conversations, one where I'm discussing my views on religion and morals with somebody who's notably more conservative than I, and at the same time, I'm trying to talk to somebody else who seems kind of dissappointed with their lack of uniquenes in their own eyes, apparently brought on by me and Tim's writings, and at the same time, somebody else is telling me about mySQL on a server that I'm probably going to host a discussion board on in the near future.

All of the conversations were very worthwhile and some quite thought provoking, however what started as a sub-five-minute interlude from homework to answer a question and ask a different one, turned into a multiple hour distraction. I'm kind of annoyed that I was unable to finish any of the most interesting conversations, because everybody I was talking to had to go for some reason, but I'll finish them later, I'm sure.

So I was reading a couple entries of Tim's Life (which I found interesting, because I felt an unshakable similarity to my own thoughts), because after all, what better way to waste my time, and avoid actually doing work, than reading the musings of other people about their own lives.

So anyway, in reading Tim's April 26 entry, I was wondering, what about me? The opening paragraph of that particular bit struck me, and I wondered how the same applied to me. But, I think I see it differently. In one sense, I think that the view presented it too harsh. Just because I can't necessarily see what other people see in me, doesn't mean that they still don't. It would be kind of akward to have a conversation in which I asked, "what do you see as so redeeming or beneficial about talking to me?" And furthermore, I'm not even sure I'd ever want to hear an answer for that question, because I might discover something about myself I may not have wanted to know. Of course, on the other hand I think Tim's also in a fairly different situation, but he could also be right. I think I sort of wish for the same thing. I don't truly understand what people like about me, and I don't know if I'd really want to. I don't want to learn anything that's going to cause me to subconciously change my behavior to fit somebody else's liking. Sure, I think I'm pretty quick to find faults in myself, and don't spend any time looking for items of pride, and so to quote Tim, "one day i just want someone to prove me wrong. to show me that i'm really this great person who's inspiring and shit like that. well, i don't really believe that. but i can fantasize."

Moving on, in spite of the fact that I really should go do something else, I was also thinking about Tim's April 28th remarks. Not so much the angry second half, but the part about being able to carry on a conversation, in that he says he never says the right thing. For me, it's a little different, in that I never say anything. I'm so concerned with not saying the wrong thing, I end up thinking over what I should say, and end up not saying anything at all. I sort of wonder what's better, saying the wrong thing, or saying nothing at all.

In any case, I am done for now, I'll probably write more when something cataclysmic happens in my life, or when I get bored again.

In retrospect, it didn't occur to me that my own dissappointment may carry over to the people who didn't do as well as I did, and I apologize if that's a problem, but, I mean, it was just one question, the difference for everybody else between "honorable mention" and an actual place was a lot more than that. For me it was just one wrong answer. In any case, I don't mean to say that the people who did worse than me are any worse or anything, I'm just saying I, as in me personally should have done better.

I was told, and confirmed that I am well on my way to being a bitter old man before the age of 30. Why? Where did my youthful enthusiasm go?

A few quick notes:

A) Today, I taught Ryan how to use chopsticks. Yay for me. Why the hell were there chopsticks in my backpack, just sitting there?
B) I have no hobbies. I'm filling out this form so my guidance department can write a semi-customized (i.e. fill in blanks with my interests and comments) letter to a bunch of summer pre-colleges I'm applying to, and one question is "What is your main hobby?" I don't really do hobbies... so what do I put?

BAH! This angers me. Ok, so today we (my school, or rather, a lot of sophomores, juniors and seniors from my high school) attended a math competition thing, and it turns out I got 4th place among Juniors, and I was off by .25 points, which is the same thing as getting one question wrong. DAMN ME AND MY DAMN NOT CHECKING ENOUGH. I could have gotten 3rd. ARRRRRRRGGGHH. JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

Well, as a week of vacation comes to an end, I have half an hour before I will hopefully go off to bed at 10:00, in order to get 8 hours of sleep, seeing as I wake up at 6:00. That's 6:00 hours earlier than I woke up today. awww crap. I don't really have much to say at the moment, however due to total lack of other things to do, although I think there really are some things I should be doing other than this, I decided on just sitting here, and trying to think of something interesting to write about. As of late, I've gotten pretty bored. In the grand scheme of things, I get bored pretty quickly. I mean, nothing seems to hold my interest for more than maybe a month, at tops. I may eventually return to some interest for a short while, but never for very long.

Unfortunately, school has never held my interest. Not really for anything longer than a couple of days at least. And in the few cases where it has been interesting, it was interesting not because of the curriculum, but because of some extraneous discussion we may have had in class that introduced me to something I hadn't thought of before. That, as I see it, is a fundamental problem with education. Me and my silly ideals, expecting change, but not having any idea about how to even influence its happening. School isn't interesting, and because of that grim truth, I find it very difficult to spend any reasonable amount of time working towards it. I can force myself into getting things done, it's just very difficult to ever feel any sense of pride about my work, because it all seems so forced.

I've never really felt inspired to get anything done. Ever. Well, not ever, just not recently. Not since... not since high school for sure. I sit here and wonder if I'm going to be forcing myself though the rest of my life, and I sincerely hope that I do not. I haven't experienced enough to know what I want to do with my life... eventually, ideally, I'll find something I am interested in, and inspired to do. Ok, I spent half an hour writing this, and wasting my time in other manners. I'm gonna go to sleep now. Crap, I still need clean clothes for tomorrow... guess I'm not going to sleep until after laundry.